In The Eye of The Beholder

ugly one

How is it that I can let the unkind words of one insignificant person define me for so many years, but I won’t believe the uplifting words of friends or family?

A few years ago I was taking a class and I had an assignment to write about something very emotional. After some struggle with the assignment, I just started free writing. And that’s when I learned that a sentence uttered by a dumb teenage boy when I was 13 defined how I felt about myself for most of my life.

When I was in middle school, I had this great group of friends with whom I would go out on the weekends. This was in the 80s, so we would go to “downtown” Stateline, Nevada and hang out in the video arcade hoping to meet some cute boys.

One time, we met three boys who wanted to hang out with us. But there were only three of them to our four. So one of the boys said, “We’ll go with you, you, and you,” pointing to my friends, “but not the ugly one,” he said while pointing to me.

The Ugly One.


When I started writing about that episode, I realized that until I was in my 30s, I let that phrase define how I saw myself. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough (and I still struggle with that). I didn’t feel like I was worth loving, so I settled for relationships that weren’t that good for me. And so on, and so on, and so on.

Fast forward to a class reunion–we had a very small high school so we all knew one another. One guy’s wife and I were talking when she said, “Oh, you’re Alane! Weren’t you like the “it” girl in high school?”

I was dumbfounded. I never felt like the IT girl.

Even today, I have friends who make such lovely comments about photos, or about me, and I have hardest time believing them. I really still feel like The Ugly One.

I don’t know the answer to this problem or even how to reverse the effects of this stupid comment.

But I do know that every day I am thinking about who I really am, instead of what someone said I was. And every day I am coming closer to believing that I am the beautiful person that God made me to be.

How about you? Have you ever held on to something unkind someone said about you instead of embracing the love? In the comments below, share about it so you can heal and become the beautiful person God made you to be!

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2 thoughts on “In The Eye of The Beholder

  1. Ha! That is so funny because I felt like I was the ugly one when we were best friends! We we were dating the brothers … the family of 4 boys and 1 girl, the girl that was the oldest and moved away, I overheard the sister refer to YOU as the “cute” one when comparing us. That has suck with me all of my life!

    • Wow, Carolyn! I never would have guessed that. I always thought you were the cuter one of us! Why is it that just one negative comment from someone can stick with us, but we will never believe all the positive things people say to us or about us! Here’s one to keep with you: You are a beautiful person and such a terrific friend! Your smile sparkles 🙂 and I really appreciate you! <3