How did I get here? I am so tired of being tired, so sick of being behind, and so fed up with the habits I’ve formed over the past few years.
It’s not like I really hate my life; I spend my days serving my family, trying to run a business, and trying to write. I spend time waiting to pick up or drop off my son, and waiting for my husband to come home from work, or wake up from his weekend naps…
I feel like I’ve spent most of my life waiting.
…I turn 10
…I go to high school
…I can drive
…I go to college
…I get a job
…I get married
…I have kids
…I recover from my grief
…we adopt our son
…I lose weight
…I get back in shape
…we move again
…my business takes off
…my husband works shorter hours
…he returns from deployment
If I spend too much more time waiting, my life will be over and I will have nothing to show for it!
I feel like my life has become a series of endless days of giving to others, trying to find some kind of career that fits a mobile military lifestyle, making do with this city, or that house, leaving friends, making new friends, leaving them, watching my loved ones struggle and suffer, and enduring much suffering myself, all tucked in around the cooking and cleaning and other monotonies of life.
It’s tiring. And a little depressing.
I’v been feeling a little dissatisfied for the past few years, but it wasn’t until last month that I was actually able to put my finger on what it was that is really bothering me. I thought the problem was just that I’m growing older and life isn’t very exciting anymore. But that’s not really it.
I decided to give myself a mini retreat last month…my husband and my son were both gone for the week and I decided I needed some pampering. I mentioned this to my productivity coach, Sage Grayson, and she hooked me up with a great resource for “retreating” yourself. I couldn’t decide which of Jennifer Louden’s books to use so I got two, the Woman’s Retreat Book and The Life Organizer.
I was not an hour into the first day of my retreat, when I was writing a response in my journal and I stopped cold. I had to answer a simple question: What do you love about your life?
What do I love about my life….
Love about my life.
That’s the problem! I’ve stopped doing the things I love!
All of the giving and doing for others is not wrong. What is wrong is that I have stopped doing the things that make me, me. I’ve stopped cooking, and decorating, crafting, throwing parties and so many other things that I always did and loved. I’ve stopped dancing in the kitchen and watching movies that make me laugh. I’ve even stopped writing for pleasure because I was doing so much writing for work.
My days became a drudgery of dragging myself out of bed, pushing through my day, doing only what had to be done until I collapsed back into bed at night–only to face fitful sleep. I couldn’t make plans to do anything fun on the weekends, because I could hardly think about what I should make for dinner. (Granted, some of this was because of a health issue that has kicked my butt, but I’m sure some of it was depression over how boring my life had become.)
I know I’m not alone. Maybe you are ready to wake up and start living the life you were meant to have. Maybe you can echo my wake-up call.
“I need some joy in my life!
I need to wake up and get back in touch with me!”
This is why I’ve started this blog. At the very least, keeping a record of my journey back to me will hold me accountable to change my bad habits and unproductive behaviors. (Yes, I’m admitting that the problem does not lie only in life, but I am also to blame.)
And maybe, just maybe, sharing this journey will inspire you to also live to your fullest potential too.
Are you ready for this journey? I know I am.
Your Turn: Share in the comments about something you love that you’ve stopped doing and how you are going to get back in touch with that again. I’d love to know that I’m not alone in this journey!